It’s time to become what we always wanted to be: Useless bags going to useless destinations! Finally, I can lay down and enjoy the ride, get handled by security and slightly irradiated just like I always wanted. Maybe I can be sorted to a better place in life! Sure, it just might be the gate to Cincinnati, but that’s a city of cities, right? That’s a pretty good start! Maybe they’ll let me eat a 8 AM pizza on this conveyor too. It came from the airport and I’m not bringing in, so I think I got a chance there.

John Hurst is your host this week and he’s establishing the greeting order for the podcast. Aaron Littleton is your co-host and he is going to invent the telephone in the future so let’s forget about the current and past telephones, okay?

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Alas, poor Yorick! I knew him well! He made this slidedeck for me to sell Denmark! They don’t know that we’re doing it. Well, maybe they have an inkling of an idea. We’re called the Denmark Corporation after all. We kind of said on our yearly business review that we are going to “sell that damn country finally”. So, maybe they won’t be blindsided. But we’re dedicated to selling it and we have quite a pitch for you! Just ask our former’s president’s ghost! He’s not thinking of revenge at all! Or making his son do it!

Aaron Littleton is your host this week and he needs to pitch to Microsoft precisely on January of 2000 if this scheme is to work. John Hurst is your co-host and he wouldn’t be caught dead calling it a PowerPoint.

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It’s 1991 and Cindy Crawford has the Official Drink market in an iron fist. America won first blood with making Cindy Crawford hold a Pepsi, but it wouldn’t stop there. Japan had Pocari Sweat and a puma to help sweeten the deal. She was working on the Canada contract soon with her sword training. She had to assert dominance over the other celebrity models after all. She had the Puma trainer’s number too just in case she needed to take out one of them. Or an antelope. Or anything in between now and victory. Life was going all the way up and nobody could stop her. Well, maybe if she could figure out how to avoid being so cold all the damn time. Maybe some sort of cloth thing used to wrap up a human being with insulation. No, there was no time for that. There was only the path forward. The Cindy Path Forward.

John Hurst is your host this week and he’s going to be using the void, that’s for damn sure. Aaron Littleton is your co-host and he’s going to need a shovel for all these new situations.

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Summer may be winding down in the real life that you and live in, but it’s still going strong in the Bachelor in Paradise! Why, David Spade is hosting! And they got all these names having fun on the screen! Some of them may be rats habitating a facsimile of a human skin designed to trick the other contestants! Others might be playing volleyball! Fun?!

Except for Demi. We’re not sure what the hell Demi is doing.

Aaron Littleton is your host this week and he’s thinking about bee collecting (not keeping.) John Hurst is your co-host this week and he is dispensing sage advice from the depths of his blender.

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When you put Bac-Os on a salad, what you’re really trying to do is resign to fate. The salad is there. You’re going to eat it. You may enjoy eating it! You may not! But you’re probably not the most excited by it. You need something to take your mind off all that saladness. Bac-Os is there for you. It’s suggested by lettuce you’re about to eat and everything. You’re about to commit horrible vegetation atrocities. You might as well have a little fun to go with it. It’s Bac-Os!

John Hurst is your host this week and he’s looking for the most gamer of printers. Aaron Littleton is your host this week and he’s making the printable steak a thing!

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