It’s 1995. You have found the end of Dollywood. It’s in the woods! Why is it in the woods! You don’t know. You just know it’s looking less like a theme park and more…. Wood-like. There’s an Eagle Sanctuary nearby that says Dollywood and the ride has the Butterfly logo on it, but is that enough to trust it? You think quietly for a moment and think “Yes. If Dolly Parton says it is, then it must be. You know better than to question it. You enter the wooden coaster entrance and grab out your VHS Camcorder. This time, you are going to record it for posterity for the alt.entertainment.rides.coasters usenet. The tapes will circulate very well for such an obscure coaster in East Tennessee and you know it. You hit record. You hear a scream from the nearby Blazing Fury. You know they just dodged death. You smile. Life is good.

John Hurst is your host this week and he’s got the best fastpass options on lock. Aaron Littleton is your co-host and he’s just having one. One!

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It’s AMERICA’S GAME! Accept it! Accept its place in the heart of America! Specifically three contestants at a time who can win fabulous prizes! Spin the wheel! Feel valued! Lose it all and start all over again! It’s Wheel of Fortune! What, you think you have to try?! This ain’t Jeopardy! Just say a letter! If it’s a vowel, we make you pay for it! It’s your damn fault for using so many vowels in English! This is America’s Tax! Or Game! The Tax Game! Play it! Now!

Aaron Littleton is your host this week and he reviews the latest regional milk craze and then reviews it again with a twist. John Hurst is your co-host and can’t stop talking about soup.

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Chicago! Line on up! Come get your slam dunked submarine sandwich, made specially by the Chicago Bulls! Small Forward Scottie Pippen is making them hot off the basket! Mystical sandwich powers can be a curse, but the Bulls make the curse look so very good! Even better than a newspaper from the future? Well, that’s up for debate. It’s kind of like the Green Lantern but…. Sandwiches.

This is a weird episode.

John Hurst is your host this week and he smells clove cigarettes at the airport. Aaron Littleton is your co-host and Subway’s subliminal ads are working a little too well on him.

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Snowman are cute until you realize they have teeth. They don’t teach that in science and biology. Not because they don’t want you to know but because you have to find out the horrifying truth for yourself. Every person has to come across that, much like you on the highway trying to find any sort of liquid to parch your throat. You have teeth. They have teeth. You share common ground now. You reach for the same Nestea soft tea drink. And then you both scream. It’s the same cadence. The same terror. The same tea.

Drink the (nes)tea.

Aaron Littleton is your host this week and and he’s not sleeping in the gasoline house. John Hurst is your co-host and he is regretting his decision for unlimited regional soda.

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20 yards away there is a bear. It’s running at you. You’re not sure though. You need to use math and you’re math, for lack of a better word, is faulty. You got your bear spray with you and you’re not afraid to use it. You just want to make sure you’re not wasting it. The bear would not appreciate you wasting it. You certainly don’t to waste it in case because otherwise you will experience the full wrath of the bear running at you. It’s just mutual trust in a conflict, really. What if we could make it happen in a way that makes it easy to understand the distance though? A way that only 90s kids will know. Yes, that’s the ticket. Sorry, people who experiences the 80s, 00s and beyond. Your time is limited. It’s the 90s reign again. And we know how to stop the bears.

First, load Google Maps.

John Hurst is your host this week and and he’s trying to quickly judge distances in the most wrong way possible. Aaron Littleton is your co-host and he doesn’t care if he fails Boating Safety in Science, Tennessee. You can’t stop him!

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