It’s 1991 and Cindy Crawford has the Official Drink market in an iron fist. America won first blood with making Cindy Crawford hold a Pepsi, but it wouldn’t stop there. Japan had Pocari Sweat and a puma to help sweeten the deal. She was working on the Canada contract soon with her sword training. She had to assert dominance over the other celebrity models after all. She had the Puma trainer’s number too just in case she needed to take out one of them. Or an antelope. Or anything in between now and victory. Life was going all the way up and nobody could stop her. Well, maybe if she could figure out how to avoid being so cold all the damn time. Maybe some sort of cloth thing used to wrap up a human being with insulation. No, there was no time for that. There was only the path forward. The Cindy Path Forward.

John Hurst is your host this week and he’s going to be using the void, that’s for damn sure. Aaron Littleton is your co-host and he’s going to need a shovel for all these new situations.

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Summer may be winding down in the real life that you and live in, but it’s still going strong in the Bachelor in Paradise! Why, David Spade is hosting! And they got all these names having fun on the screen! Some of them may be rats habitating a facsimile of a human skin designed to trick the other contestants! Others might be playing volleyball! Fun?!

Except for Demi. We’re not sure what the hell Demi is doing.

Aaron Littleton is your host this week and he’s thinking about bee collecting (not keeping.) John Hurst is your co-host this week and he is dispensing sage advice from the depths of his blender.

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When you put Bac-Os on a salad, what you’re really trying to do is resign to fate. The salad is there. You’re going to eat it. You may enjoy eating it! You may not! But you’re probably not the most excited by it. You need something to take your mind off all that saladness. Bac-Os is there for you. It’s suggested by lettuce you’re about to eat and everything. You’re about to commit horrible vegetation atrocities. You might as well have a little fun to go with it. It’s Bac-Os!

John Hurst is your host this week and he’s looking for the most gamer of printers. Aaron Littleton is your host this week and he’s making the printable steak a thing!

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Captaiinnnnnnn Planet! We’re summoning him with our rings! Our rings of elements! We have to be in close proximity to the other four to do so and unfortunately, we hate the other teens! We’re just going to use our cool water powers to make like a river and flow into the ocean! We don’t need those other elements! We especially don’t need Heart! Wait, what do you mean he is hypnotizing an army to give him cash?

Aaron Littleton is your host this week and he’s insanely good at remembering the names of the Planeteers. John Hurst is your co-host and did consider using the Earth Ring to play SimCity 2000 Land Development in real life. Reticulating splines.

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Grant Nel took the dive like a champ. Hi fives, smiles, the only thing red was probably he back from the failed dive. I mean, what else can you do? When you receive a vision of the future and it is a zero score, you can’t exactly walk back down? You gotta follow through. Accept your fate. At least you know a teenage lifeguard won’t be saving you. You’re safe from the Panel of Uncool for just a little longer.

John Hurst is your host this week and he’s putting a little falsetto in his voice to enrage Aaron. Aaron Littleton is your co-host this week and he is being left at the pool mistakenly as the cloned version of himself.

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